I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
