I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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