I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
