People in love make me want to vomit
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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