i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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