i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
