Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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