I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
