cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
