shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's Friday. Sex?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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