The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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