I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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