i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
false alarm, still single
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
