If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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