i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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