grandma shit on top of the toilet
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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