Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
