Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
