I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
