They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
