I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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