First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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