Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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