I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
