Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
