I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
