If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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