I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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