I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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