a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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