i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
