apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
