Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I CAN MOONWALK!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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