Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
