Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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