She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
