a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
