How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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