have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
