It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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