life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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