mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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