dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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