mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
