I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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