i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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