my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
