I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
