i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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