youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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